The Legend of BJenkins

I love to win. It is for this reason that I will not play poker machines. How Sir Losealot and his band of (not so) merry gamblors can get enjoyment out of feeding a machine I will probably never understand. I mean seriously how can you win at a game which is specifically designed to take your money? Yes, it’s a scam!

The purpose of today’s post is not to gloat and boast at my own self discipline however, but to acknowledge a man (whom I have never met) by the name of Brett Jenkins. As legend has it Brett walked into the casino with $9 and left $27,000 richer. How did he do this? As the tale goes he was down to his last 50c and was playing a Queen of the Nile linked to Train Jackpot machine. Brett was playing Max Bet by 1 line when his luck turned. A feature was triggered. Then four golden heads and a Cleopatra substitute aligned perfectly on the middle line. The pay was $1,200! Not bad at all for a 25c spin. This max bet by one line style of play has from then on been known as BJenkins.

Mr Jenkins then went on to turn that $1,200 into $27,000 by pushing his luck to the limit in Blackjack and horse races, however it is the BJenkins credit management style that made him famous among pokie losers all over Australia.

After hearing the story I decided to put aside $100 for “research” purposes in a hope to replicate this extraordinary accomplishment. The plan was to put either $10 or $20 in a machine and play it BJenkins to see how often it would pay on the middle line. The results were quite surprising. Nearly one in three machines paid 5 of a kind on that middle line.

Although I never got a pay anywhere near Brett’s $1,200 effort one of my pays (5 eyes) covered the initial cost of the experiment plus more. Once getting a BJenkins pay I would take a picture with my camera phone of the achievement. Here are the 5 of a kind pays:

5 Octopuses BJenkins

5 10s BJenkins

5 10s BJenkins

5 Qs BJenkins

5 Eyes BJenkins

Sir Losealot assures me that he once got the same 5 Golden Heads on Queen of the Nile playing BJenkins in the feature also. The picture exists on a long lost microSD card and once he finds it I’ll be sure to add it here.

If you are playing the Max Credit by 1 Line a helpful hint would be to play a higher denomination machine. For example playing 25 credits by 1 line on a 1c machine pays less than playing 5 credits by 1 line on a 5c machine, even though it is the same type of machine and costing you the same amount per spin. This trick was submitted by The Smearbird.

In conclusion although playing BJenkins thus far proved a profitable success I daresay my beginners luck contributed to most of it. Whether the story of Brett Jenkins is 100% true I do not know. What I do know is if you continue to play poker machines you will lose in the end; and that definitely isn’t good.

Pokie Review Part 5

Hit The Heights

Positives: Wow what an impressive looking machine from afar. Jungle beat, Space King, Wild Ned, Wish Big…..all machines have features that involves spinnings wheels, dice and multipliers. However if your really lucky the Hit The Heights feature will randomly go off. Rockets, fireworks, Cobras, Tigers etc etc….and a sign on top of them all that says “They all go off”. I’m in a trance!!!

Lows: With all the lights, noise and excitement you’ll be distracted to the fact you’ve dropped your arse. The only thing that will “go off” is the missus when you rock up at home at 4am broke. At that point you’ll realise it should be called “Hit the Lows”.

Queen

Positives: Well i nearly forgot what a great singer and showman Freddie Mercury was. When I saw this machine I couldn’t wait to play it. It incorporated all of the hit songs, Freddy shows up randomly as a wildcard…there’s even actual footage of the band live on stage and music videos. Before you know it you have an adrenalin rush with the tunes of We are the Champions, Killer Queen and We will Rock You blaring in your head. Yes its very much a nostalgic trip down memory lane…

Negatives: If its a trip down memory lane your after may i suggest purchasing the Best Of Queen DVD…its alot cheaper! The music can really make your brain go a bit “ga ga”. Before i knew it i was very much “under pressure” and “bit the dust”.
I should also mention the Bicycle feature whereby you try to pick the winner of a bike race between Freddie and a couple of glamours. My Techs admin Jase thinks it’s actually a sexuality test. I’m just not sure if you’re a fairy from the dairy if you win the race or lose.

Pokie Review Part 4

More Chilli

Positives: Gay Chihuahuas, Tobasco sauce, Chilli carts and a character who looks like ex Telstra head honcho Sol Trujillo….Mexico here we come! Get the feature, get 30 chillis and you have 4 mini screens spinning with the last 3 reels on each totally substituted. Is this just a license to print money quicker than Speedy Gonzalez?

Negatives: Most Mexicans live in poverty. You too will be living in poverty if you get hooked on this machine. It can fleece you quicker than Sol and his amigos fleeced Telstra and its shareholders. Ay Carumba!!

More Chilli - You are lucky feature

Sheer Magic 2

Positives: Heres an old classic. Fellow gamblor The Smearbird works out if you get the feature all pays with the Lantern is times 10 of your bet. That theoretically means you could get a pay big enough to warrant taking the machine home.Is it too good to be true…….

Negatives: ……..unfortunately it is. David Copperfield has nothing on this machine when it comes to making things disappear. Dont believe me? Play it and then check your wallet at the end of the night!!!

Dean Martins Wild Party

Positives: Finally a machine that provides entertainment! Get the feature and youll be reminded what a great singer Martin was. The casinos generally have this machines speakers blasting. This is to attract the attention of other patrons when you get a “Big Win”. It works. One evening after getting a $900 pay i turned around and half of China was standing behind me!!

Negatives: Dean Martin could command a hefty sum for a concert ticket in his heyday with The Ratpack….however it would be chicken feed compared to what you can lose on this black hole.
I think that there should be a Aussie version. Replace Dean Martins Wild Party with Ray Martins Subdued Conference.

Pokie Review Part 3

Outback Jack

Positives: Finally a game that embraces what its like to be a Aussie….surf, sand, kangaroos, fishing, boomerangs….and doing your pay on a pokie instead of paying the rent.

Negatives: Youre playing $3 a spin. You get a pay of 60 cents. What flashes up on the screen? “This Must be your Lucky day” or “Beauty”. Not only is it taking your money but its making a mockery of you as well! Before you know it “crikey” your broke!! Well i guess Aussies are famous for “taking the piss”.

Outback JackPot Feature

Golden Canaries

Positives: Some ripper pays even if you dont get the feature. Pays left to right and right to left…although it might as well pay up and down and inside out as the pays are as rare as a positive comment from Star City cooler Ali

Negatives: Keep playing this Golden oldie and youll be left with bird seed…if your lucky

Hillbillions

Positives: Banjo’s, Corn on the cobb, treading water on a log….doesnt everyone love country life? Fellow Gamblor Smearbird reckons people from the country are lucky. Yeeeeehhhaaaarrrrrr!!

Negatives: See the Hillbilly characters? That will be you if you keep pumping cash into this guzzler. The Billions part is reserved for owner of the machine, not you!

Pokie Review Part 2

Where’s The Gold

Positives: Lots of colours and yeeeharrring and dynamites….all makes you think your on a winner. Emphasis on the “think” part

Negatives: If accuracy was the law then this machine should be renamed Where the Gold Aint. I wouldnt be hocking off any gold to play this machine….the pays are dismal.

Where's the Gold Feature

Knock Knock

Positives: Great interactives features. If you have the nuts to go the Devil feature you could win alot from little…but youll more than likely end up with little from alot.

Negatives: Put a $100 bill in and it spits it out. Put it back in and it spits it out. Crunch it a bit and put it back in and out it comes again. Can someone from KONAMI please read this : FIX THE NOTES SLOT MECHANISM ON ALL YOUR POKIES. Never thought id be complaining about a machine that doesnt take your money!

Double Happiness

Positives: A feel good machine that makes you feel like your bonding with our Asian neighbours. With the dancing Dragons that appear during the feature youll feel every spin is a Chinese New Year celebration. Its the only machine that can send fellow Gamblor The Smearbird into a somewhat peculiar dance during the free spins. Happy days!

Negatives: Hall of Fame Gamblor Uncle Chris Staggers sums the machine up when he calls it “Double Misery”. Interestingly the only punters i see win on this machine are the Asians. Perhaps they are the only ones that can afford to play it?

Pokie Review

Video games for grown ups do exist. Poker machines may be an addictive wealth hazard but they sure make them fun.
I’ll review some machines in no specific order or rating:

Queen of the Nile.

Positives: They remind you of when you were young and just started having a hit. They also tend to make your dollar last longer….although like all women she will fleece you in the end and leave you skinned to the bone.

Negatives: In the unlikely event of a big pay during the feature you better have some dollar coins ready because the credit counter is so slow….and can only be accelerated by dropping a dollar coin in.

Big Red

Positives: If your down to your last $50 and you need to pay the rent then this machine could be for you. Fellow gamblor the Spanish Cyclone has a fascination with Big Red.Its a real hit or miss affair. If you hit you could be walking out with thousands…..

Negatives: ….but if you miss your money can be gobbled up very quickly.The Spanish Cyclone has reported putting thru $6000 in one sitting without a feature. When the machines “on the take” you can walk away feeling like someone has stole your wallet

Wild Thing

Positives: Essentially the same as Big Red…its all or (more likely) nothing

Negatives: It can go months without paying a cent. Fellow gamblor The Smearbird is brainwashed into thinking its ready to pay and does his dough bigtime and everytime. Another negative is “My Techs” administrator Jasonic can predictive outcomes by the way the reels spin…kills the adrenalin rush!

Smear and Wild Thang!

King Of the Nile

Positives: If you get the feature and your not happy with the outcome then you can re spin. Fellow Gamblor Drezmondo is convinced this second round of spins will make him a drezillionaire if the first round hasnt. He is totally addicted declaring he lives for the “chance” for making it big on this machine

Negatives: Never pays out anything really decent. Both Jasonic and the Smearbird can tell if the feature is coming by the way the reels spin and scream out “chance!”. When they dont get it right its a reel (good one) letdown

AD 79

Positives: Has a stand alone mini and maxi jackpot.

Negatives: Has a stand alone mini and maxi jackpot. I think the name AD 79 represents the last date those jackpots have gone off. Fellow gamblor Thommo thinks he will get both jackpots everytime he plays…or at least double his way to those amounts. Is he right? As one P.Gould would say “NO NO NO NO NO!”

More reviews to come….